


The ‘L’ Word

by PlayerOneMell



Series: Echoing Words [1]
Category: Be More Chill
Genre: Angst, Blood, Crying, Cutting, Depression, Expensive headphones (mentioned), Flashbacks, Halloween (Mentioned), Hospital, Joe Iconis created the word robo-scat I’m pretty sure, Lots of Angst, M/M, Michael is a sad boy, Michael’s Dad is dead, Near suicide attempt, Post: SQUIP, Scars, Senior year, Stagedorks (mentioned) - Freeform, Suicidal Thoughts, The world loser, boyf riends - Freeform, small cliff hanger, the boyf riends aspect is very minor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-20
Updated: 2018-08-20
Packaged: 2019-06-30 01:05:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,768
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15740979
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PlayerOneMell/pseuds/PlayerOneMell
Summary: Yes, Jeremy Heere is the light of the young Mell’s life, but his light isn’t here right now. He’s at some party at Brooke’s house that Michael is too scared to go to. Michael doesn’t want to interrupt Jeremy’s good time.He feels empty inside, and he has felt this way for awhile.





	The ‘L’ Word

Every time the shiny part of Michael’s butterfly life hit his caramel skin, he thought of Jeremy. What would Jeremy be thinking if he knew? Michael only knows this all started on Halloween at Jake’s house. All because of a panic attack and wanting to forget the pain. He had tried weed, but nothing felt better than the burn against his skin. 

 

How did it happen on Halloween? It was guessed that the entire bathroom was filled with red solo cups - even the toilet was stuffed with them; however, the floor was covered in broken glass. Michael saw some lipstick kisses on the mirror. He wondered if Chloe or Brooke or Jenna or hell - Rich or Jake he doesn’t judge - had put makeup on in the bathroom before the party had started only hours ago. 

 

Michael knew it was wrong, but he had taken his shoes off. After spending hours in Jake’s bathtub as a trash monster, Michael was feeling a little claustrophobic. He doesn’t have the phobia, but perhaps that’s why his chest was so tight. That’s what he told himself on Halloween. Although, Michael knew then and sure as hell knows now it’s because of what Jeremy had said to him. It’s always on his mind. 

 

So, with his weed socks off, he began to pace the bathroom. He accidentally slipped and fell on his bottom, a sliver of glass made its way into the bottom of Michael’s right ring toe. Michael squeaked in pain at the time, but felt a warmth rise in him. A distraction from pain. It might’ve been the burning in his skin that made him want to continue, but it also might’ve been the fire growing from below him. 

 

Michael did slowly remove that glass from his foot, the crimson goo barely dripping across his toe. The liquid barely stained his sock, which he was thankful for. He still is. It’s one of the few things that Michael is still grateful for. His weed socks would never leave him. He weed socks would never leave him for a weird gray pill from Japan that looks like Keanu Reeves, and his weed socks would never call him a loser. Right? Well, it’s true because they are socks and not his pale friend - Jeremy Heere. Well, back then they were just friends. Just best friends. Now there’s so much more. 

 

Michael was there in the incident of the fire. He escaped much safer than Jake and Rich. Michael didn’t know why the fire had started or who had begun it at the time. The next morning he did because it was all over social media. Yes, the social media blasts even reached a loser like him. He felt guilty. Why did he escape the house with only the cut on the bottom of his toe? Jake had two broken legs, and Rich was suffering from third degree burns. 

 

That’s why he started visiting Rich a lot. Especially after taking to Mr. Heere before the play. Him and Rich had figured out how to deactivate the SQUIP. During that time, Michael stole his older sister’s, Sophia, butterfly knife. He had once played with it when he was six and cut his older brother’s, Jackson, finger open. So, Michael cut his wrist with it lightly. He found joy in it in some sort of way. 

 

However, that was then. This is now. Michael sits on his bed, he has recently shut his phone off. Once his phone ringer had set off and he cut himself for a longer scar. It’s on his right arm. He makes sure not to cut around his pac-man tattoo, it means too much to him. 

 

Michaels sighs, twirling the blade in his fingers. He knows this is the word that has ruined his entire life, and he could never get over it. Jeremy apologized, but after her got with Christine. Is the reason he apologized be that he finally got his girl? Why does it matter anymore? Christine and Jeremy decided that were better off as friends. That was over a year ago. Michael remembers. Michael remembers every single moment. 

 

The SQUIP incident, better known as the SQUIPcident, has been over for over a year now. Sure, Jeremy still has nightmare sometimes, and Rich slaps himself because of his lisp since that’s what his SQUIP trained him to do. However, Michael stills feels the pain of what he felt in the bathroom. When Jeremy left him, just for some girl. It stings. Michael wishes he could forget. 

 

So much has changed since the horrific Junior year at Middleborough High. It wasn’t so bad. Michael didn’t have to go to prom alone. Rich and him went as friends. Rich was really into Michael, and Michael was into Rich for awhile too. However, Michael knew that part of his heart still longed for Jeremy. So, him and Rich decided to need the relationship at that. Rich respected that Michael didn’t want to hurt him, it was one of the most pleasant breakups Rich had ever experienced. 

 

Since then, Michael has made progress with Jeremy. Jeremy goes to a lot of parties still, and sometimes ditches Michael for them. Michael tries to bring it up, but gets too nervous. Michael has experience a lot of insecurity problems ever since that scene that happened in Jake’s bathroom. Jake’s bathroom doesn’t even exist anymore. At least, not that bathroom. Michael wished he didn’t exist, like that bathroom. 

 

Michael and Jeremy have gone a few dates, and Michael is happy with the way things are going. He wants to be open and honest with Jeremy, but he fears of how Jeremy will react to the scars that cover his arms like a Jackson Pollock painting. Michael worries that Jeremy will leave him again. He doesn’t want to experience the horror of the scene that happened in Jake’s bathroom once again. 

 

Halloween once was Michael’s favorite holiday. He loved dressing up, and playing horror video games in his basement. Him and Jeremy would go trick or treating as kids. Sometimes they still did. This year they did. Michael was glad since it was their last time. 

 

Michael sighs, and a small smile curls onto his lips as he remembers the good times. He loves Jeremy so much, but he can’t tell him about this. He’s too scared. Too scarred. It makes his stomach turns. He makes spiders crawl under his skin. 

 

However, he knows what he is about to do. He will leave the same way that Jeremy left him. With no words. Breathless. Wishing this has never happened. Was it really Jeremy’s fault? No. Michael blames the super quantum unit intel processor that took over his boyfriend’s brain. Michael wished it had never happened. 

 

Here he is now. Sitting on his bed. Sitting on his pac-man sheets that match some that Jeremy have. Michael’s Bluetooth pac-man speaker is glowing.  His green lava lamp is on as well. These are the only things emanating light into his room. Even the light behind Michael’s chocolate brown eyes have died. He feels empty inside, and he has felt this way for awhile. 

 

Yes, Jeremy Heere is the light of the young Mell’s life, but his light isn’t here right now. He’s at some party at Brooke’s house that Michael is too scared to go to. Michael doesn’t want to interrupt Jeremy’s good time, but he knows that if he called Jeremy, Jeremy would pick up the phone in a heartbeat. Right. However, that’s not the phone call Jeremy would be receiving tonight. No. Jeremy would be receiving a very different kind of phone call. It’s not going to be from Michael, but it will be about Michael. 

 

Michael sighs, and feels his stomach unhinge and almost creaks forward like a creaky floorboard. Michael can hear the unnerving sound in his ear as he studies the blade that he is spinning between his fingers. He knows what he is about to do. He hasn’t told a single soul about this. He is the only one who knows. Him, and his depressive state of mind. Well, Michael doesn’t have depression, he’s never been properly diagnosed. The word depression scares him. He doesn’t want to know if he has it. 

 

The youngest Mell did deal with some kind of depression and grief earlier in his life when his father had died. Michael’s father had died when he was ten. Michael came out to his father and his father never spoke to him again. He died only a few days later. Michael wonders if he is the reason who caused it. He was curious. Did he give his father a broken heart for being gay? 

 

Michael has two mothers now and is glad that his mother accepted him. Both his moms. That is another thing that Michael is thankful for for. Grateful for. His moms, and his weed socks. A few other things were on the list of what Michael is grateful for. The pain he feels in his heart is not one of the things he is grateful for. 

 

It’s as if a sea urchin is planted at the center of his heart the spikes of grew outward. Everything he feels, a spike through his heart. After all, Jeremy’s at a party. What if Michael did decide to go? Would be a repeat of the disaster that happened on Halloween just a little over a year ago? Are they celebrating the SQUIPs being gone? They wouldn’t be gone if it weren’t for Michael. Perhaps they’re celebrating the fact that Michael’s a loser. They aren’t, but Michael can’t help but think that. 

 

Loser. It’s the one word that is constantly on Michael’s mind. Especially when he’s anxious. Loser. He could hear the word repeat with every beat of his heart. The word just pulsates through his bloodstream. Why did it have to be that word? He used to love that word. Now, he can’t even think it without feeling a chill rippling through his entire body. 

 

Michael sighs, thinking about where he is now once again. How things have changed. It’s almost as if he is trying to talk himself out of the decision of cutting his arm. Michael sighs and feels the coolness of his blade against his skin. It’s time. Michael feels some kind of dread fill his stomach. It’s too late now. 

 

Michael carves the letter ‘L’ into his arm. He sighs when he feels the sting. This usually helps him forget, but now he will always remember. This isn’t the first time Michael has carved a word into his skin. There are a few other cruel nicknames he’s been called that are in his shins. 

 

The Filipino boy bits his own lip, almost wanting to look away. He longs for help, and is made he has never reached out for it. Michael wishes he has now. He wishes that Jeremy were right by his side. His wish Jeremy could take away the pain. He wish Jeremy knew as he carves the rest of the word into his skin. The word ‘Loser’. 

 

Michael feels a dizziness consume his body. Has he lost too much blood? Michael wonders what has gone wrong this time. Does it want to die? Yes. Michael is not grateful for life or the pain he is feeling. Michael is grateful for his moms, his weed socks, his white headphones, all the good music he knows, and Jeremy. He is so grateful for Jeremy. Jeremy is one of the last thoughts before his whole world goes dark.  

 

The next thing Michael hears is this beeping. An awful high pitched beeping that seems to have a rhythm to it. Michael remembers Jeremy telling him about how the SQUIP would be at times or ‘robo-scat’ at times. Michael fears that’s what’s happening and opens his eyes. 

 

When Michael awakens, he sees that he is in a white hospital room. Michael has a fear of doctors, but seems to be in the room alone for the moment. There’s a pinching in his arms and he sees a tight bandage around his right bicep - around where he had cut the word ‘Loser’ into his skin. Michael takes a small drawn breath. It’s shaky. Just like his life. 

 

There’s a breathing mask around Michael’s face so he can breath alright Michael feels so weak and wonders how he has survived through what has happened to him. Was he planning on killing himself? Not at the time. Has Michael experience suicidal thoughts before? Yes. On multiple occasions. Michael sighs. 

 

The heart monitor that is keeping in rhythm with Michael’s heart seems to drive him crazy. Does he really want to hear it pulse? Does it want the beep every few seconds? The green line moving up and down to signify his life. How can his life be only in one line? Does that line deserve to deflate? Michael wonders this. The sounds echoes through the empty but glistening walls of his hospital room. 

 

Soon enough, Michael explains his entire story to the doctor. All the way from the Halloween party to the situation that happens today. It’s hard for Michael to tell the story, and he tries to stay strong. He makes it through with a small hyperventilating issues and teary eyes. He is shaky still from the incident himself. The doctor asks him one question. 

 

“Are you suicidal?”

 

For once, different words ring through Michael’s mind. For once it isn’t the word loser. Is he suicidal? He doesn’t know the answer to that question. He has never truly thought of himself as suicidal. 

 

“I’m not… I’m not sure.” He stammers out. 

“Were you planning on killing yourself by injuring yourself in this way?” 

 

Michael takes a moment to think about that as well. He wasn’t planning on killing him. The more he thinks about it- the more he thinks that might have been the situation. Michael didn’t know at the time that the cuts would nearly kill him. Then another thought runs through his mind - who the hell called 911?

 

Michael knows it couldn’t have been Jackson, his older brother, because Jackson hates him. It’s just a well known fact. Michael thinks it might’ve been Sophia but she hasn’t been home in awhile. Mainly because she doesn’t live there. Jackson doesn’t either. Could it have been his moms? He didn’t think either his moms were home. Unless Jeremy for some unknown reason had entered the house. If he has some unknown stalker. 

 

“Mr. Mell?”

“No, sir.” Michael is pulled out of his haze. “I didn’t plan on killing myself.” He breathes out heavily. 

 

He has so many questions. How did he get there? Who saved his life? Why did his life deserved to be saved? Twice. First the fire, and now this. Who had called? Then something else hits Michael - who knows about this? Who might have he caused to worry over him. He doesn’t want the sympathy or the empathy or the pity. He did this. He did this for a reason. 

 

“Hey, doc?”

“Yeah, kid?”

 

Michael sighs and remembers for a moment that he is still a child. Michael’s seventeen, and would be eighteen only two months later. Michael sighs. He’s still a child. He would have to face the pressure of adulthood. 

 

“Who called?”

“I’m sorry.”

“Who called for me to get here? I thought I was home alone.” Michael says, looking at the doctor, taking slower breaths. 

 

Michael notices how drowsy he feels. He is guessing it is because of all the medication he is on or something. He looks around his body for a moment. There is an IV. That makes Michael’s skin crawl as well. He fears doctors; therefore, he also fears anything medical. 

 

“I believe it was your mother.”

“Which one? I have two.” Michael breaths out, quietly. 

“There was no name given, but they are both here. We also contacted one of your emergency contacts.”

“Jeremy.” Michael mumbles. 

The doctors nods, “Would you like to see your mom?”

 

Michael is back to pondering in. His own mind once again. Could he tell his mothers the story? The horror of his anxiety has worsened, and that he longs to feel the freedom that he once felt. He wants to be free and careless once again. Listen to Bob Marley and dance in the hallways in confidence. He loves being weird. Michael thinks being weird is absolutely radical. He just never wanted to feel this way. He feels like a true loser. He would’ve never been here if it weren’t for that word. He just might be the worst word in the English language. Michael loathes it. The one hellish word. Loser. 

 

“Yes.. please.” Michael nods a little bit. 

 

The teen sits up slowly and watches the doctor exist the room. Michael’s left with the horrendous beeping once again. Michael hates the beeping and swallows for a moment. It makes his ears pop. This constant beeping. Is this what Jeremy had to deal with when he had the Keanu Reeves looking SQUIP? Michael takes a deep exhale as his moms both enter the room. 

 

Michael looks at his mothers. He loves them both equally. The one who had given birth to him, and the other who has taken him under her wing. Michael’s glad. Besides Jeremy, he feels as if the only people that like him are his mothers. It’s his only two family members that truly give him support. 

 

He receives a light hug from both his moms and they both ask him what’s going on quickly. Michael feels a muscle in his heart tear - not literally, of course. Michael closes his eyes, taking a moment. He realizes closing his mind was a mistake. A flashback of all his horrible memories flash behind his eyelids. Can he really tell his two loving mothers this story? 

 

Sure, his moms knew about SQUIPs. Jackson had a SQUIP at one point. Michael saved him, but he’s not entirely sure why he did that. Jackson was mentally insane. Michael saved his life out of the good of his heart. Did Jackson thank him? No. He never did. That may be another reason Michael is hurt.  

 

Michael opens his eyes. The tears return to his eyes, this is surprising because Michael rarely ever cries. This is how his moms know that something is wrong. Michael inhales and the crystal orbs begin to fall down his face. Some of the tears stick his long eyelashes which press against his thick glasses frames and make everything blurry. 

 

His birth giver, the mother who gave birth to him, takes his hand in her own gently. She wants to show Michael that she is there for him and will always support him. Michael feels his chest go warm at the support he is feeling from his mother. He feels some kind of confidence that guides him through telling his mothers the story. 

 

“Have you cut before?” The birth giver mom asks. 

 

Michael nods his head slowly in shame. He feels so bad telling his moms all of this. They could’ve helped if they knew before. They could’ve helped right from the night of Halloween. The night where it all began. He wonders what questions he will be asked next. How much worse can this get? Michael wishes this were all over. He wishes he could go back and time and rip his sister’s butterfly knife out of his hands and tell him not to cut ‘Loser’ into his right bicep. He could’ve saved himself a lot of trouble if he had just told someone he was struggling. 

 

“Does Jeremy know?” The mother who didn’t give birth to Michael asks. 

 

Michael feels an emotion drop into the pit of his stomach. As if planting a seed of fear and dread and guilt so the sensation would flow through his entire body. Michael shakes his head and lets more tears rapidly fall down his face. Hot tears. Hot tears just stream down his face. 

 

Michael is so mad at himself, mad at the SQUIP that had taken over Jeremy’s brain and practically his whole body. He’s upset he would let himself get this bad, and that this would reach this point. The point where his cutting has left in this hospital room. How could this happen? 

 

“No, he doesn’t know.” Michael mumbles quietly through his tears. 

 

He wants Jeremy to know, but he doesn’t want Jeremy’s pity. He wants Jeremy love, and hopes that somehow Jeremy could be positive and tell him everything is going to be okay. That everything is going to turn out just fine for Michael. That he would spend more time with him, and maybe he could take it easy and take Michael to a small get together and not a party. That he’s gonna be fine. That the suffering will stop. But! Even if Jeremy said all those things, would they really be true? Is Michael just living in some fantasy world in his head? 

 

“Now might be a good time to tell him.” His birth giver states, pointing forwards the door. 

 

Jeremy had received a call earlier that night about what had happened to Michael. He makes eye contact with Michael. Michael still has tears streaming down his face. He feels sick to his stomach and he feels the world freeze for one moment. He could barely tell his mothers what happened. How could he ever tell his boyfriend?

 

Michael swallows and his eyes dart away for a moment before meeting Jeremy’s once again. The pressure in his chest starts to build and he reclines a bit so he can lie down. He needs an easier time breathing, and the mask is assisting him with that. He still hasn’t broken eye contact with Jeremy. He notices his worried expression. 

 

The Filipino teenager takes a long breath, and he sees Jeremy’s eyes take him up and down. Jeremy must feel guilty and he does. He knows he should’ve been there for Michael, but he had no idea that this was happening. Soon he would. Michael is going to give him an explanation. A very shaky explanation. 

 

Michael can feel his heartbeat in his ears as he goes to open his mouth to explain to Jeremy how he got here. How he ended up the way he was. Why there’s some blood stains on his arms. Michael has explanation for it all. Why he’s been so anxious. He takes one more long breath, and then he decides to explain everything to Jeremy. Anxiously wondering what his reaction will be to the story.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey readers! I spent time pouring my heart and soul into this fic so I really hope you liked it. Let me know what you thought? Should I make this a series instead of just a one shot? I do have a ideas about other fics if this should become a series. Let me know.  
> Anyhow, if anyone of you feel this way I reccomedn you get some real help. Suicide is never the best option. Suicide kills everyone around the person who commits it. Stay safe.


End file.
